8 week program starts, now.

Well, tomorrow starts my first day back in to the land of consistent paychecks, and 9-5's.

I've been coming to the realization that I really lack structure in my life, and on so many levels that creates chaos.. so since tomorrow is the start of a new chapter career-wise, I thought I would take that as an opportunity to restructure my fitness & health regime.

SO-- I got up bright and early this morning & made this calender (R has one custom for his needs too). I decided that I want to run a 10k by the time I turn 26 (Nov. 24, 2012) so I will be adding running to my work outs (before I hardly did any cardio that didn't involve heavy lifting.)

Usually when I take on running, I jump right in and go from one mile on day one to 5 miles on day three, and I ALWAYS hurt myself and have to stop, so this time, I am going to take things slowly and follow a 10k training program for beginner runners.

I can't express how difficult it was for me to put myself in a "beginner" category-- but let's get real... My body is not use to running and that is why I hurt myself. I am very healthy, so when it comes to endurance, I can go for miles, but with bad knees & bum foot (I broke it several years ago & it hasn't been the same since) I am a beginner & that's okay!

So there it is, 8 weeks of discipline.

Since I will have steady income again, I plan on rewarding myself at the end of each 4 weeks with something nice like a massage or pedicure-- but only if I stay on track every day. Even if I can't give 100% I've still got to show up and walk to miles if I can't run them.

As far as food goes, I've already been on a gluten-free kick-- which has literally changed my life. But I will be incorporating more raw foods into the diet & eating more consistantly.

Two medium sized meals in the AM, Two smaller meals in the PM.

Out of the 4 meals, 2 of them will be 100% raw, and the other two will be 85-100% clean-- which means, minimal processed foods/condiments. Ketchup on my baked sweet potato fries, sour cream on my veggie chili & cooking my eggs with real butter will be the only "not so clean" parts of my diet. Feta cheese will likely still be in the mix-- but cheese has calcium, so in moderation I don't feel guilty about it.

In the morning I will get my measurements so I can see how much my body changes. A side goal is to loose those pesky 10-15 lbs.

Yesterday I fit into a size 6 for the first time since I graduated high school-- I've never really been much smaller than a 6-- I've got a big ole' butt-- so I am just looking forward to trimming down my arms, legs and tummy area. (Hopefully my wedding dress wont need many alterations with more weight-loss.)

After the 8 weeks, I am going to find a 10k to run, and do it. Then I am going to make another 8 week incorporating more yoga into the the routine.


So who is with me? Anyone want to get on the wagon too? I'm going to post my progress every week with my times, struggles & successes.

Hope everyone had a great weekend,

Namaste,
r

SeaCHANGE

  "If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue."

~His Holiness the Dalai Lama 

When I get depressed, a part of me becomes completely terrified.. My history with depression is quite turbulent and for a lack of better words scary. So after having several, very good months, I was a little shaken up by the gloom & doom. 

I am really hard on myself, so the first thing I feel when I get depressed is failure. Then I feel unworthy.. like.. What the hell is someone as awesome as R doing with someone as pathetic as me? Then I become completely frustrated with myself, and the world... and then I feel like such an ass hole, because I KNOW life isn't even about whatever it is that has me down. Then I hate myself for being so G-D narcissistic and ungrateful for my beautiful life.

I am really lucky because R knows he can't dig me out of the hole-- but he also knows he can't just leave me there.. So he sits at the top, cheers me on (bribes me with red wine) and doesn't give up on me-- even when I am 100% convinced (even in my rational mind) that he should run for the hills. 

Anyway-- it was really sweet to know I have support from my blogfriends, so thank you for the kind words.. and you'll be happy to know I was able to shake it off by lunch on Monday.. A few hours of Skyrim, some p90x yoga, and a bottle of wine later.. I'm cured. 

I'm kidding.. kind of.

I really do believe that there is a lesson to be learned in every thing that happens to us-- bouts of depression included, so I spent Monday reevaluating my plan of attack.

Sometimes I get really caught up in the small picture, when I know in my heart of hearts I need to be focusing on the grand scheme of things-- We distract ourselves with the little things because the big picture seems so damn overwhelming-- when in reality, and ironically-- focusing on the small things is what ends up overwhelming us the most. 

We find ourselves in these weak moments-- not feeling liked enough, not feeling smart enough, not feeling secure enough, not feeling wanted or needed or loved by all the right people.. Just not feeling like you are enough is enough to make you mad. 

All that actually matters, even especially when you are in a partnership with other humans, is that you find yourself worthy of your own love and affection. 

{btw. I totally pinned this to pinterest... i mean... it's not often that we have profound realizations about our lives... what other way could I share it with the masses since my blog gets maybe... 30 hits a day?}

My hammock is the catalyst of important thoughts... I'll tell ya. 



~~~

A few months ago I got this 5-subject spiral notebook and titled it SEA CHANGE (a reference to Shakespeare's The Tempest). 

Essentially it was suppose to spark some extreme transformation in me, that was already in the works, then I forgot all about it.  Ya know..

So, I found this spiral notebook on Monday when I was organizing my books (I ordered a bunch of books on Amazon last week-- it is quite possible that receiving said books in the mail may have been the spark I needed to dust the depression off-- I love, love, love, love, love old books-- the smell is heaven to me....)

Anyway, there are 5 sections in this book.. and they are:

Spirital

Physical

Mental

Creative

Community

.. and it just hit me. I am so afraid of making great change in my life because I've never believed in myself enough to be the person I am suppose to be. I make up these stories-- that get me in these cycles, of gaining and losing control, that ultimately trap me and keep me from really succeeding... and being ya know, awesome. 

You still with me?

I'm almost finished... 

I'm not going to neglect this important change anymore.. enough is enough.. and I am enough and worthy of being great things..

I am also worthy of the sweet kitty cuddle sessions I have every morning.. 

How can you be depressed when you wake up to this sweet face loving on you?

Sea Change will be a recurring theme around here, so I hope you're all ready to see me start kicking some ass and really, thank you for being so sweet and showing me some love the other day, it meant a lot.

Namaste!

R

A lil' of this, a lil' o'dat.

So today is/was a good day.

I woke up, got on the scale, and guess who's lost 10 lbs. This girl. 

That's 10 lbs in less than a month, I think a big GO ME is in order. (Go ahead, I'm waiting) : P

10 LBS, that's like a cat.

that's a 17 lbs-er right there

Speaking of cats, I've totally been slacking on the cat-picture-every-day-in-Februrary thing. I guess that's a good sign that I might not actually be a crazy cat lady after all. 

The other fun thing is... We are moving to a new apartment (if we don't find something to BUY first!) and right next door to the complex is a special kind of yoga studio-- they have a couple of 4 week programs that you can register for, the classes help you get deeper into the practice by satisfying both the physical and philosophical aspects more intensely. Most drop-in classes start with "intention" but they usually keep it more generic and physical so it appeals to all spiritual backgrounds.This studio also has a Mysore practice, which is a 4 hour class where you can get one on one attention from the instructor in a group setting.

They also have teacher training programs but I've got some work to do on myself before I can help others work on themselves. So these classes are perfect! The other amazingly serendipitous thing is, I have been following this studios blog for several months, and I never even realized it! I of course read it, but never noticed they were from the next town over. (I am so observant) I think it's a sign!

A 100-word love story that I wrote was posted on So about what I said... today.. Love that blog.

..AND today, I helped my friend write an "About Me" on her match.com profile, which I am oddly really excited about because this girl dates the biggest douche bags on the planet and I love her too much to allow that to continue happening. I am her self-appointed Love Coach.

She equal parts loves me and thinks I am a pain in her ass. : P

Since it is Thursday I was going to post some art, but I have had the busiest week I've had in a VERY long time.. so an art post will have to happen tomorrow or Saturday. 

Yoga time.

Peace out!

r

What kindness has taught me.

I wrote a post yesterday wherein I blathered on about tattoos, regrets, a little this and little that, but what got me writing was the sadness I was feeling because people can be so unkind to each other. Yesterdays sadness was directed towards not only those who made flippant accusations about the writer, but towards the "infamous" writer herself... The whole situation is just sad to me.

Yesterday, for the first time as a blogger someone was less than kind to me, telling me my "Harley sized tattoos" are not "classy," a claim I never made-- and one of the main reasons I "cover up" when getting dressed up, or doing something "important," they would have known that had they actually read what I wrote, instead of just passing judgement on me and trying to anonymously hurt my feelings.

For the record, it didn't hurt my feelings, in fact, I just feel sorry for that person. They must have a lot of pain in their heart to be spreading hateful, off kilter comments on another persons blog anonymously.. but now I have another person to send some kind thoughts to this morning, and for that I am thankful.

I love to spread the love.

I digress.

People can just be down right mean to one another, and you know what, I understand.

I have done some down right rotten things.

I've backed out of two weddings where I was suppose to be Maid of Honor, I was HORRIBLE to my sister when she got pregnant.. and horrible is an understatement, and I have said some horrendous things out of anger to and about my mother, just to name a few. I am not proud of these things, but at the end of the day we can only learn from our experiences, forgive ourselves (and others) and move on.

This past year I have learned that coming from a place of kindness and compassion is a rather lucrative avenue to take, and I have tried to consciously make that a part of my daily life. Some days are better than others, but I'd say lately, most days have been successful, which means I am becoming more conscious, which is a wonderful thing.

I am not going to lie, finding that peaceful place within myself has been and continues to be a difficult task, it is also a rewarding one. In my 25 years, I have harvested so much anger and sadness-- It is quite the task mopping up pools of resentment, jealousy & anger-- they all have deep trenches that seem impossible to access most days-- but, light is most useful when you have a dark place to put it in, so I am up for the challenge.

The point I was trying to make yesterday, was that it shouldn't matter if someone is covered in tattoos, or body piercings, or if they have a turbulent past, or if they post ignorant opinion pieces on a college web-zine or even if they say or think something unthinkably horrible.. we should always be wishing kind things for others, and I have found that when it is the most difficult to give someone the gift of kindness & compassion, is when it is the most rewarding for all parties..

One of my favorite quotes:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I define anger in its broadest form: jealously, resentment, sadness, judgement, etc... in the end we are just hurting ourselves by not practicing kindness. Kindness has to start on the inside.

You can not be kind to others if you are not kind to yourself.

 "Love others as you love yourself" right?

I'm starting to believe kindness and forgiveness to oneself is the ultimate act of kindness. The way you treat yourself is a reflection of how you treat others,I truly believe that.
 
When someone is unkind, I automatically recognize that they are hurting. Having this realization on a personal level has made it so much easier for me to be compassionate through adversity. Becoming aware of all the hurt people are feeling, makes me want to be even kinder, to myself and others.

{I've been practicing something called Metta Bhavana (Loving Kindness) meditation if you are interested}

I have realized that a lack of kindness comes from a place of hurt within oneself, because I have done it myself. Even though, my participation in unkind acts is happening less often, when I am unkind  to another person, or myself.. (after all, I am only human) it is because I am not dealing with or recognizing whatever the internal issue is.



I use to think I was so aware, on many counts I was just more aware than those I associated with, but I am starting to realize, I was just too afraid to continue doing the work because I knew I still had a long way to go, I am certainly not alone in this, because I think we all can be a little more patient, a little more kind and a little more encouraging to one another.

I am challenging myself, and therefore others, to consciously remember that we are all in this together, none of us make it out alive(on this planet at least), and we each single handily hold the power to not only practice kindness on ourselves and others, we have the capacity to inspire kind thoughts within others.

Namaste,
r

Don't sell yourself short..

February already?
Geesh... time really does fly.

This is a long one, so get ready.

I still have the magic of a new year inspiring me, which is a first. Usually by February I am back to my old ways of stuffing my face with pasta and red wine.

Ever since I started doing yoga on a daily basis, two things have become increasingly important to me, which in turn has revealed a side of myself that I honestly wasn't sure existed in the first place.

Apparently the part of me that I adore has been sleeping.

Those two things are intention and acceptance.

In the beginning of the year I wrote down (well typed out) my new years aspirations, and in an effort to keep those things alive, I've made them an important part of setting my daily intentions. Some days have more intention than others, but the point is.. I am giving intention the time it deserves, and I am noticing things about myself that I really never thought were possible.

Whatever it is that is coming to life within me, comes with this warm light that allows me to accept and love myself exactly as I am in that moment, and it is really a beautiful thing. Accepting your flawed self doesn't mean you accept the flaw, it means you accept what got you there and recognize how to move through it.

This is something that has been incredibly difficult for me in the past. I consider myself a fairly self actualized person, I am hyper aware of my faults, strengths, weaknesses.. but up until recently I never really accepted myself for who I am and where I have been.

I have allowed my past to haunt me in ways that I wasn't even fully aware of.

I was one of those kids that grew up too fast. Looking back at my childhood has always been painful, even as an adult. I would feel sad because I felt like I was robbed of my innocence. I would be angry because I had too much responsibility and worry. I would be jealous that everyone else* got to enjoy their youth, and I lived mine battling with depression, helping to raise my siblings, making adult decisions before I could even spell, let alone articulate what the hell was going on, and always wishing I was someplace else.

(*I realize I am not the only one who grew up in these circumstances of course)


Learning and practicing acceptance has been life changing. Even if I am just accepting that I am not flexible or strong enough for some of the more advanced poses in my yoga practice, I accept that's where my body is at in that moment, and push through the pain.

On a philosophical level this physical act has completely changed me, and  have to say that change has been one of the most surprising and inspiring gifts I have ever been given. I don't want to say that I was in DENIAL about where I was suffering mentally prior to practicing daily-- because I knew I was suffering, and I knew that pain was related not only to a rough past, but also to an uncertain future.. But I really have been living the life of a lost soul, and this has all become quite apparent through my journey.

When I decided to start this journey in November, I never saw myself getting to the place I am right now. I find myself completely humbled by this process and I am just so grateful this path found me and that I was able to recognize its purpose for me.

I've always sold myself short. I could go on and on about all the ways I have sabotaged myself in the past, but I won't because it doesn't even matter anymore. I just wanted to say, that if you are reading this and you have been a self sabotager in the past, I welcome you to give yourself the gift of acceptance.. move on, move forward, and love not only yourself, but also the process.

Start each day with intention and end each day feeling accomplished. Make decisions that will get you closer to your goals, even if by one inch. It all adds up and it awakens something in you that is nothing short of a miracle.

In the past I never really believed I was good enough to be what I wanted to be. I could hardly love myself because I honestly couldn't stand the sight of the pathetic person in the mirror. I allowed myself to not only gain 50 lbs, I kept 40 of them as a way to punish myself for not being good enough.  I wouldn't nurture my creative inclinations, I wouldn't reach out to friends, I wouldn't allow myself to be happy, because I didn't WANT to know anything different.

I just couldn't leave the comfort zone that was my own misery.

I have learned that if you set goals, or aspirations, and don't allow yourself to be inspired by the best version of yourself (for me the ideal version of myself is in shape, calm, kind, open, adventurous, healthy and HAPPY) ...then you are just punishing yourself for something you have not accepted yet.

DO the work. Accept and love yourself, your body, and your mind.

I really can't wait until I have found the words to describe all of the beautiful things I am experiencing right now. I feel like there are all these things I really want to express, but I just don't know how to say them yet.

I had my first thoughts of suicide at age nine, I remember this very vividly because my best friend at the time told her mother, and her mother sat me down on the driveway for a talk and she explained to me that it wasn't normal. I remember being grateful that she said I was different, and should embrace it, and that I would understand when I was older.

A few years ago I thought I finally understood what she meant... But through this journey I have realized that I was missing one important thing, acceptance.

As I have mentioned before, getting in the best shape of my life is something that is really important to me this year. This has been something I've talked about at the beginning of the year, every year, for the past 7 years.. I've stayed so focused on becoming the best version of myself this year that when I stepped on the scale this morning I almost died of happiness. In two weeks I've lost seven pounds and that's with a week of spotty work outs. (I'll get into that tomorrow when we weigh in). Weight aside, I am turning into a different person and I am just so happy to get to know the person I always thought I was suppose to be.

The funny thing is, she was there all along.

I know the reason I am succeeding this year is because every day is starting with intention, and every act is preformed with acceptance and a love for myself that I never thought was possible.

So I will sign off with some words of wisdom, which conveniently appeared in my email this morning..

"He is able who thinks he is able."

  ~The Buddha

Namaste!

r 

Before and After.

I've decided to take a little technology break; I really feel like I am on the edge of breaking through this rut I've been in for so long, and the computer can be quite a distraction from what I actually need to be doing to get over the hump.

Being this inspired is really exciting because it has been lacking for years.. I've been floating around in "I don't know what I want to do with my life" land for most of this past year. It is an awfully dreadful place and I can not wait to leave..

I feel a big change coming my way; and I feel like I am almost ready for it, so I would hate to not be prepared again this year.

That being said, I'm taking a blogcation. In many ways rambling about my day to day has been cathartic, but I can really get sucked into blogger land, so I gotta go cold turkey. I will be back... soonish.



I might even come back with a whole new look for le blog.  

via.

Thanks for being such sweet readers & blogfriends.

Namaste.
r

Before and After

I have been bitten by the spring cleaning bug. It's a good thing too because it looks like we will be moving in April; moving an organized home is so much easier/enjoyable.

Hopefully I will finish this weekend; R and I have a pretty small space (about 900sqft) I'm hoping my tips will be useful to other bloggers. I love to design and organizing spaces.


I took a bunch of before pictures yesterday, so I'm thinking Monday will be the start of a new Before and After series. Not sure the direction I want to take, but my untidy spaces will be a start.

Here's a sneak peak...

~~~

I mentioned yesterday that my friend Tara and I entered into a weight loss competition. We're weighing in every Friday with LBS, inches and a picture. However we agreed to only share our pictures every 4 weeks so we can celebrate noticeable differences. I am entertaining the idea of sharing those images here, but I am not sure how brave I am feeling. Maybe if Tara will agree to share hers too.. I am a chicken I know.

I've got 30-35 LBS I would like to lose. I am 5'5, athletic build, and I would like my body fat percentage to be at about 18-20% not necessarily for this competition, but this year would be nice. (That's pretty lean, but for my build, I think it is very possible). In May I will be MOH in my best friends wedding, and she is absolutely gorgeous (and really fit), so I gotta match up for pics! Tara (my rival) is planning a trip to visit in April for our final weigh in/celebration.

Tara and I are both giving up alcohol for the competition. We are both at intermediate levels in our yoga practice, and she will be going Paleo, and it looking into cross fit gyms. I will be hanging out with p90x guy, actually doing the 90 day program, continuing my yoga practice, going to the gym and counting calories/eating clean.


We are both really interested in changing our lifestyle, so it will be a fun ride and a good excuse to talk more often!

How's everyone doing on their new years resolutions? I think this is the first year where I am still pumped about change this far into January. :P

Namaste!
r