"If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue."
~His Holiness the Dalai Lama 

When I get depressed, a part of me becomes completely terrified.. My history with depression is quite turbulent and for a lack of better words scary. So after having several, very good months, I was a little shaken up by the gloom & doom. 

I am really hard on myself, so the first thing I feel when I get depressed is failure. Then I feel unworthy.. like.. What the hell is someone as awesome as R doing with someone as pathetic as me? Then I become completely frustrated with myself, and the world... and then I feel like such an ass hole, because I KNOW life isn't even about whatever it is that has me down. Then I hate myself for being so G-D narcissistic and ungrateful for my beautiful life.

I am really lucky because R knows he can't dig me out of the hole-- but he also knows he can't just leave me there.. So he sits at the top, cheers me on (bribes me with red wine) and doesn't give up on me-- even when I am 100% convinced (even in my rational mind) that he should run for the hills. 

Anyway-- it was really sweet to know I have support from my blogfriends, so thank you for the kind words.. and you'll be happy to know I was able to shake it off by lunch on Monday.. A few hours of Skyrim, some p90x yoga, and a bottle of wine later.. I'm cured. 

I'm kidding.. kind of.

I really do believe that there is a lesson to be learned in every thing that happens to us-- bouts of depression included, so I spent Monday reevaluating my plan of attack.

Sometimes I get really caught up in the small picture, when I know in my heart of hearts I need to be focusing on the grand scheme of things-- We distract ourselves with the little things because the big picture seems so damn overwhelming-- when in reality, and ironically-- focusing on the small things is what ends up overwhelming us the most. 

We find ourselves in these weak moments-- not feeling liked enough, not feeling smart enough, not feeling secure enough, not feeling wanted or needed or loved by all the right people.. Just not feeling like you are enough is enough to make you mad. 
All that actually matters, even especially when you are in a partnership with other humans, is that you find yourself worthy of your own love and affection. 

{btw. I totally pinned this to pinterest... i mean... it's not often that we have profound realizations about our lives... what other way could I share it with the masses since my blog gets maybe... 30 hits a day?}

My hammock is the catalyst of important thoughts... I'll tell ya. 

A few months ago I got this 5-subject spiral notebook and titled it SEA CHANGE (a reference to Shakespeare's The Tempest). 
Essentially it was suppose to spark some extreme transformation in me, that was already in the works, then I forgot all about it.  Ya know..

So, I found this spiral notebook on Monday when I was organizing my books (I ordered a bunch of books on Amazon last week-- it is quite possible that receiving said books in the mail may have been the spark I needed to dust the depression off-- I love, love, love, love, love old books-- the smell is heaven to me....)

Anyway, there are 5 sections in this book.. and they are:


.. and it just hit me. I am so afraid of making great change in my life because I've never believed in myself enough to be the person I am suppose to be. I make up these stories-- that get me in these cycles, of gaining and losing control, that ultimately trap me and keep me from really succeeding... and being ya know, awesome. 
You still with me?

I'm almost finished... 

I'm not going to neglect this important change anymore.. enough is enough.. and I am enough and worthy of being great things..

I am also worthy of the sweet kitty cuddle sessions I have every morning.. 
How can you be depressed when you wake up to this sweet face loving on you?

Sea Change will be a recurring theme around here, so I hope you're all ready to see me start kicking some ass and really, thank you for being so sweet and showing me some love the other day, it meant a lot.




  1. I absolutely get you. I can go for long stretches and feel perfectly content and happy. Then out of nowhere, Matt will say or do something and it throws me into a really dark and unfun place. And I hate myself and then I feel like a bad mom sticking the kids with him while I cry and read in bed and especially when they make me get well soon cards. Like they know something is wrong but don't know what to do. It's awful and I'm finding myself having to deal with it hour by hour and just try to get through it.

    1. Poor thing.. I hear you. Having kids probably makes the depression more complicated. In fact.. my depression was so severe at one point that I was 150% convinced I should never have them.. out of fear that I would turn psycho path during, or after the pregnancy. I'm here for you (really I am.. I'll give you my phone number I am SO there for you) I know what it's like to feel like no one really understands the dark places.

  2. Thanks for being honest and sharing with the world of bloggers. I know that can be scary. Although, like you, I've learned that this is, in fact, one of the safest places.

    My mom has battled severe depression...my entire life. Even from the time i was an infant. I've always struggled with being an outsider to the disease, and knowing how to encourage her in times where she is having her bouts with the disease. It's been a struggle at times, but it's also been a blessing in others. Because I have been there when her body and mind cooperate and give her a break from the heaviness. And i'm so glad I get to see her in those moments. I get to see her free from the battle. And I get to see her in a light, so free and beautiful, that it makes me just want to RUN to heaven. Run there, so I can see her that way always.

    So, thanks again for sharing. It's a real thing. I"m glad you don't hide it! All my love to you and many prayers as you battle through it. Keep us posted, always!


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