What kindness has taught me.

I wrote a post yesterday wherein I blathered on about tattoos, regrets, a little this and little that, but what got me writing was the sadness I was feeling because people can be so unkind to each other. Yesterdays sadness was directed towards not only those who made flippant accusations about the writer, but towards the "infamous" writer herself... The whole situation is just sad to me.

Yesterday, for the first time as a blogger someone was less than kind to me, telling me my "Harley sized tattoos" are not "classy," a claim I never made-- and one of the main reasons I "cover up" when getting dressed up, or doing something "important," they would have known that had they actually read what I wrote, instead of just passing judgement on me and trying to anonymously hurt my feelings.

For the record, it didn't hurt my feelings, in fact, I just feel sorry for that person. They must have a lot of pain in their heart to be spreading hateful, off kilter comments on another persons blog anonymously.. but now I have another person to send some kind thoughts to this morning, and for that I am thankful.

I love to spread the love.

I digress.

People can just be down right mean to one another, and you know what, I understand.

I have done some down right rotten things.

I've backed out of two weddings where I was suppose to be Maid of Honor, I was HORRIBLE to my sister when she got pregnant.. and horrible is an understatement, and I have said some horrendous things out of anger to and about my mother, just to name a few. I am not proud of these things, but at the end of the day we can only learn from our experiences, forgive ourselves (and others) and move on.

This past year I have learned that coming from a place of kindness and compassion is a rather lucrative avenue to take, and I have tried to consciously make that a part of my daily life. Some days are better than others, but I'd say lately, most days have been successful, which means I am becoming more conscious, which is a wonderful thing.

I am not going to lie, finding that peaceful place within myself has been and continues to be a difficult task, it is also a rewarding one. In my 25 years, I have harvested so much anger and sadness-- It is quite the task mopping up pools of resentment, jealousy & anger-- they all have deep trenches that seem impossible to access most days-- but, light is most useful when you have a dark place to put it in, so I am up for the challenge.

The point I was trying to make yesterday, was that it shouldn't matter if someone is covered in tattoos, or body piercings, or if they have a turbulent past, or if they post ignorant opinion pieces on a college web-zine or even if they say or think something unthinkably horrible.. we should always be wishing kind things for others, and I have found that when it is the most difficult to give someone the gift of kindness & compassion, is when it is the most rewarding for all parties..

One of my favorite quotes:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I define anger in its broadest form: jealously, resentment, sadness, judgement, etc... in the end we are just hurting ourselves by not practicing kindness. Kindness has to start on the inside.

You can not be kind to others if you are not kind to yourself.

 "Love others as you love yourself" right?

I'm starting to believe kindness and forgiveness to oneself is the ultimate act of kindness. The way you treat yourself is a reflection of how you treat others,I truly believe that.
 
When someone is unkind, I automatically recognize that they are hurting. Having this realization on a personal level has made it so much easier for me to be compassionate through adversity. Becoming aware of all the hurt people are feeling, makes me want to be even kinder, to myself and others.

{I've been practicing something called Metta Bhavana (Loving Kindness) meditation if you are interested}

I have realized that a lack of kindness comes from a place of hurt within oneself, because I have done it myself. Even though, my participation in unkind acts is happening less often, when I am unkind  to another person, or myself.. (after all, I am only human) it is because I am not dealing with or recognizing whatever the internal issue is.



I use to think I was so aware, on many counts I was just more aware than those I associated with, but I am starting to realize, I was just too afraid to continue doing the work because I knew I still had a long way to go, I am certainly not alone in this, because I think we all can be a little more patient, a little more kind and a little more encouraging to one another.

I am challenging myself, and therefore others, to consciously remember that we are all in this together, none of us make it out alive(on this planet at least), and we each single handily hold the power to not only practice kindness on ourselves and others, we have the capacity to inspire kind thoughts within others.

Namaste,
r

A visit from the Seester.

My sister Taylor came for a visit this weekend. 

My niece Riley (RJ) as her accomplice, the weekend was filled with lots of pee and poop talk, little giggles, gibber-jabber, and chasing kitties. 

This is what the weekend looked like...

RJ helping me make pancakes// my cats & r seeking refuge from the loud-tiny person// R and RJ playing with a ball of wacks.. all morning// My sock monkies resurrected and placed in my bed by a sweet little girl// splitting a fish and chips with my sister over some wine on the water// more R and RJ playtime before bed.

 

Riley was a lot of fun, she's got a silly personality and even when she is bad she is cute. I'm not going to lie, watching R and RJ interact was probably the cutest thing next to kittens and getting slobbery kisses from my sweet niece was just too much sweetness. Having a kid in the house was actually kind of fun.. 

but one thing still stands. 

I am SO not ready.

However I would not be opposed to more seester visits. 

 

Now R and I are enjoying two of our favorite things, silence and coffee.

Namaste, 

r

 

Some Holiday Cheer

My mother is quite the joker, she's been spreading holiday cheer all over internet land.

My sister sent out a message on Monday saying "Just incase my mom's card didn't make it to your mailbox, here it is" I was so horrified I stole the mail key off of R's key chain so he could never confirm that my mother sent something so horrible out; Luckily she hasn't completely lost it and is just posting her family holiday cards on Facebook and emails. {Somehow that makes it better?}

She is sending out a new e-card every day until Christmas. You'll never get me to show you Mondays {I didn't know if I should laugh, cry, or change my name} but I thought these were pretty funny, however wrong they may be.

Day two:

Day three:

She's a little nutty but funny!

xo, r

My tree is up, Thanksgiving is coming and I'm a weirdo.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and despite several bumps in the road I am really excited about hosting dinner this year for Rob's parents and my sweet grandparents.

It really is no surprise to me that my dad and step-mom opted out.

Honestly, I am a little upset that they either don't see, or don't care that it was important for Rob and I to introduce them to his parents; because after all... Rob and I will be spending our lives together.. and umm.. Our parents should meet right?

It's only normal, but that is life.

Luckily, my grandparents were sweet enough to cancel their plans for Thanksgiving in order to join us. They are just so special to me and have provided me with the sort of support and stability I have really been needing over the years. Sometimes we are born to people who aren't ready for us, and luckily for me.. my grandparents have always been willing to assume roles that weren't necessarily theirs to assume, and for that I am so grateful because I really do need them and appreciate them more than I can even put into words.

{I am a spitting-darker haired image of my grandmother when she was my age, weird right?}

....the pic of me isn't a great representation, but you get the picture. :)

Anyway. I always like to put my Winter Solstice Tree up mid November-- I like the ambiance and by mid November I am finally ready to put Halloween stuffs away; I am too lazy to get the holiday box out more than 3 times a year.. so yeah, the tree went up today whilst listening to Last Christmas radio on Pandora.

I personally do not celebrate Christmas-- However, because of my family (and R's too) I end up participating in some of the festivities. Plus, I love sitting in a dark living room with a little Tree decorated with lights and sparkly things; I'm an ambiance person and I am not going to lie, I have a thing for Christmas music.
{My personal favorites are anything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra, WHAM!'s Last Christmas, and Feliz Navidad, and John and Yoko's So this is Christmas (war is over). Christmas music is my favorite to clean to, so I am ashamed to admit that I listen to it quite often.. Isn't that weird! Man I am a big weirdo!}

On Christmas, I usually make my rounds for the good food, sweet hugs, and free wine. ;)
{I am kidding I love seeing my family three times a year that is}:P

Okay, back to Thanksgiving.. R and I purchased a 6 foot table that folds down so we can host a sit down dinner on Thanksgiving. I am getting the apartment ready; rearranging, cleaning, cuddling with cats, and deciding how I am going to make this Thanksgiving really special for our guests.

I wanted to do some sort of "What I'm Thankful for" exchange, but I am not sure how to approach it.. Any suggestions?

And now a little sneaky peak-- I know I've never shared my apartment with you folks (other than moving day) but I'll do that soon enough, we're still working on the "office."

My little tree with family photos.

R and I purchased this ornimate the day we got engaged at Blue Springs. 

Blue Springs is a manatee refuge, so we thought it was a good representation of our favorite special place. 

{On the back it says: "I love you always" and "I love you always too" "R♥R 8.30.11" }

I am working on the "dining" table; I think it looks okay in the nook-- I am going to hit up the craft store later today to find some stuff to decorate. :)

What do you think?

I know I have asked before, but what are your favorite Thanksgiving traditions? I really want to set some traditions for R and I, and since this is our first year as an almost-wed couple I'd love to start something this year that we do every year. :)

Oh sweet nostalgia. 

What's on your agenda for Thanksgiving?

Namaste!

Ryan

Recap: Halloween, TV, LBS, Mom and other stuff.

Happy Halloween (again)! 

We ended up only making it to one of our parties this weekend;  
party #1 was open bar. 'Nuff said.

As expected the costumes at party #1 were incredible and there was dancing, so I was content finishing season 4 of Breaking Bad and restoring electrolytes with coconut water and Gatorade instead of going to party #2.
Whiskey is really evil, I am just going to throw that out there.

Has anyone been watching Breaking Bad? It's SO good, I can't wait for the 5th and final season.

Now I am catching up on Mad Men-- I went almost 2 years with out having TV, so now I am a junkie. 

I'm in season two of MM now, but I have to admit I think it is trying too hard to be interesting..
I'll stick with it, because it's gotta be so popular for a reason, plus Don Draper is dreamy and the costuming is to die for.

My mother is in town from California; I haven't seen her in a year, so it will be fun to show her my little podunk beach town and new apartment once she makes it to my neck of the woods. We are going to the Ft Lauderdale Film Festival this weekend to see The Encore of Tony Duran-- a film her boyfriend co-wrote and co-produced. It's getting awards all over the place, so I am really excited to see it.
Here's the trailer- If you see it come to your town, Go!

 Looks good right? 

 In other news, I lost 5 lbs last week! I just started eating clean again, cut down on the wine (sad face) and did a ton of weight training. Ladies and gents, if you want to lose weight, lift weight. Building muscle is the way to go, and NO ladies, you won't get buff unless you take supplements-- even muscular builds such as myself maintain femininity-- at one point in my life-- a long, long time ago, I was 17% body fat (which is really low for a female) and I still looked lady like.
(Except I had tiny lady bits-- but that is why we have Victoria's Secret girls.)
I have 25 days until I am 25-- So in true procrastinator style, I've got to hustle if I want to look my best for the big day. 

Is it weird that I am referring to my 25th as the big day? As if something life altering will happen when I reach a quarter century-- You know what will happen on that day? I am going to shove my face with so much turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, red wine and pumpkin cheesecake that it will be coming out of my ears. I like to think it is my birthright to over indulge on Thanksgiving, since every year 90% of my friends are MIA the entire week of my b-day. This year will be no different, so it's what must be done.

Okay, I must leave now. Cleaning for my mothers arrival trumps blogging this week-- I have this urge to prove that I am a decent housekeeper (which I probably am not if you ask R). I am really clean (germophobe right here)-- but I can also be really messy. R and I just have so much stuff, it's hard to keep the bedroom clean. Sheeesh.

Hope everyone continues to have safe Halloween festivities, and if you don't have candy for the kids (me!) make sure you look like you aren't home! :P

xo,
r

The chaos of an alcoholic.

Alright, well life has been a complete and utter mess this week. 

It all started with worrying about my brother which turned into my father reminding me what a POS he thinks I am, and how I shouldn't have used the insurance for my appendectomy in May (wtf?), and how I should be this or that-- I could go on, but I'll spare blog land of the gory details of an abusive alcoholic father. He also reminded me that this isn't the life he wanted and that he shouldn't have to work on his hands and knees every day laying tile (he has his own construction business btw) and somehow all of my fathers unhappiness started the day he agreed to my mother not having an abortion-- This is what I concluded anyway based on his choice words about my role in ruining his life..

To my father, I'm an abortion gone wrong.. I am going to be honest here folks.. Even though I know what he says to me is what he really just thinks of himself, it hurts so bad my bones ache. It's devastating when the person you idolized as a child turns out to be a fraud and treats you like you are nothing. If you've ever had an alcoholic in your life, you know how easy it is for them to twist things around.. and somehow-- it is you who has ruined their life.

So my fun meet-the-family Thanksgiving is canceled, and I am trying to find ways to avoid retail therapy to mend my broken heart-- because lets face it, buying new things always makes you feel a little better-- But since I'm broke, cat cuddles and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will have to do until my sweet love comes home from work..

I hope everyone is having a happy and healthy week.

I'll be back with something good to share soon...

Including a guest post from the sweet lady at A Sparrow's Flight.

xo, 

r

A letter to my brother.

Dear Little Brother,

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday; I was in my favorite pair of batman PJs, through the moon with excitement that I would have a little brother to share my Teenage Mutant Ninja turtle figurines with since Taylor seemed to only be interested in dolls and playing mommy. I remember exactly where I was sitting when Mama told me you had arrived, and after that, hours seemed like days until I got to meet you, my new little brother.

It was finally March, the month I had been anticipating more than Christmas.

I always wanted to protect you little brother-- I know you don't remember this, but when you were about one years old mom and dad got in an epic battle leaving us kids to witness the gory details. I looked into your big brown eyes and knew I had to get you out of there, when I picked you up, I was surprised at how tightly you hung unto me, twirling your little fingers in my pony tail-- In that moment I knew it was the three of us against the world and nothing could change that.

I don't think I ever told you how scared I was the day you and Taylor moved to NC; I was scared because I was losing the only friends I knew, and I was scared because I felt like I wouldn't be able to protect you anymore.

As an adult, the moments that shine the brightest in my mind are one spent with you. Afternoons spent talking about everything and nothing-- realizing with every conversation that we are one person separated by the interpretation of our life experience.

Little brother, I know our life hasn't been easy-- I know we weren't always given the chances our peers were given, and I know giving up seems like the best way out-- but know that I believe in you and love you endlessly. My favorite memory of you is one night while we were sitting in my dingy apartment, taking turns sharing our favorite songs, when we decided to share our all time favorite tune; You Que up your song and I Que up mine, no conversation about the song-- I went first, and within two seconds your face lit up, and you showed me the song you had ready to play next.

Same song, Different artist.

Mine:

Yours:

We laughed so hard we cried that night. 

I love you little brother and don't you ever forget that. I miss you more than you know and would give up my entire life too see you happy, healthy and free from the grips of escape that you are seeking. 

Love you to the non-planet Pluto and back, 

Your big sister, 

Ryan

Sunday reflections

Sunday mornings are sweet in this house. 

Rob sleeps in, while I have my 7am round of coffee listening to whatever Pandora station has my fancy feelings for the week. 

{This week I'm digging The XX radio; According to my sister this station makes my 18 mo. old niece really happy-- she already has good taste}

It's humid here today. 
Yesterday it felt like fall, today it feels like summer. 

That's Florida for ya. 

I have to go to Orlando to work for a few days, so I have been thinking about all the things I need to do before I go, instead of just doing them. Procrastination at its finest. 

Monday I will be stopping in and visiting my grandparents, they spend their summers in Bar Harbor, Maine-- so the last time I saw them was early June. 

I am pretty close with all of my grandparents. 

Close meaning, I stay in contact and enjoy talking with them about the happenings of life on a regular basis. 

My grandmother thinks that R is the bee's knees, in fact.. one night last spring after a few glasses of wine she told me HE COULD DO BETTER. 

I just laughed because she is probably right AND I am flattered that she actually likes him that much.. 

She isn't your typical sweet little granny.. she is a pistol who is very particular about the company she keeps and has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. (Sound familiar?) 

Anyway, this is the first time I have seen them since the engagement and I am sad that R will not be with me, I always like to share the love.

My little sister has a birthday this week as well. 

She will be 8. 

It seems like just yesterday I was holding that sweet little thing in my arms on her very first day of life.. 

She changed my life ya know. 

I suffered from depression starting at a very young age, and when she came around I sort of woke up out of that depressive slumber.. She made me laugh so hard and she still does. 

I can't be depressed when I have a beautiful little sister who needs me to be a good influence on her.

<3

Time flies. Hayden is a funny, sweet and smart little bratzilla. 

I love her and miss her every day.

How was the weekend?

xo, 

r