Depression, take a hike.

You know those commercials where they say depression hurts?

Well it's true. 

It doesn't matter how upbeat-and-positive I try to be, I can't deny that depression is a huge struggle for me, and unfortunately sometimes... depression wins.

In case you are wondering, I am an anti-med kind of person. I've done the med route, but since my depression is coupled with bi-polar, meds aren't really an option for me, unless I'd like to be a zombie.. and I don't.. so.. I manage depression via natural supplements, and I'd say it's about 80% effective and doesn't make me want to hang myself. (I'm one of those who wants to off myself whilst under the influence of anti-D's, of any kind)

Not sure why exactly Madam De 'precion decided to make an appearance this weekend-- but I'm sure I can chalk it up to the fact that I have expectations (in friends) that are rarely met.. and it makes me feel like I am somehow not worthy of the friendships that I so desire... which ya know.. starts the downward spiral... anywho.. I spent about 20 hours in bed, unable to move... sobbing.. off and on whilst watching South Park on netflix.

{South Park and Skyrim are my go to anti-depressants these days}

SO against my better judgement to stay in bed, I let R bribe me with a bottle of wine in exchange for going on a hike with him this afternoon; despite the trail being 90% sand and not wearing proper shoes it was actually a really cool trail.

What I like about hiking in Florida is the fact that the splendor is less obvious than say... the Appalachian Trail. the terrain changes often, but it's subltle.

Today we came up on a feild that was filled with plants I've never seen before.. I am looking forward to going back-- but today.... I'll be honest, I am too miserable to enjoy much of anything..

even the wine is sub-par.....

However, I managed to take some pictures...

On Saturday we hit up the beach, the surf was rough...

..as R would say.. "it's not the day for amateur hour"

I haven't seen waves like that in for-ev-er. I consider myself a very strong swimmer (I'm pretty sure I could swim before I could walk) but I got a little freaked by the currents.

I hope everyone had a nice Sunday with their dads....

and ya know..... send me the happy vibes and stuff... this depression shit is the pits.



  1. Ryan, my mother has BP disorder and major depression. She is medicated, still not sure what works for her and what doesn't. It's a tough go. I don't know first hand, but I see first hand what it can do to someone... The fact that you can chat about it and recognize a low is a good thing, and if the people in your life are supportive and understanding of the illness, you're all set. Do what you need to do to get out of the funk and carry on. If it's a part of who you are, you just gotta make it work! :)

    1. Hey there.. It's true..

      I use to resist it... And now I try to embrace it a little more and work with it, especially since going the natural route, I have A LOT more control over the highs and lows, but I am a happy, positive person, so it's the lows that really bother me-- my mind takes me to some dark places. R is wonderful and tries to understand it as much as he can, but I think the lows still throw him off because in real life I AM such a positive, rational, unshakeable person. (I really enjoy the highs because I am super creative and confident-- there are some negatives to the highs, but not nearly as many as the lows)

  2. I feel for you. I too suffer from fairly chronic depression. Thankfully medication has been working for me for many years, plus cognitive talk therapy has helped me develop new mental skills for helping ward the big D off. It's not a cure, but it is treatment and it does help. I wish you the very best. Stay strong. Fight the good fight. Depression is a dirty liar and remember, as long as you're still here, it has not won.

  3. :( I don't really love advice, so I'm definitely not going to give you any. You are loved. I love you, and I don't even know you! You are a beautiful person, and I hope that you are having a good day today!

  4. Ugh, I know that pain. Feeling like you're in a pit, and you know you can get out of it but everything inside you just says to not fucking bother. It's the worst. I was on antidepressants for years, but I finally kicked them because I realized that they were merely numbing over the depression, not making it go away. I needed to deal with the root causes of my issues (childhood anxiety, PTSD, etc.) and learn how to deal with them effectively. I met a great therapist who's been really helpful in giving me actual tools rather than just letting me blather on about nothing.

    I wish you all the best my dear, and hope you feel better soon.


Who doesn't love comments?