3.09.2012

On the heart breaking-- This is what friends are for.

Today, R and I are heartbroken-- he just observed a conversation had between myself and someone he loves, that did not go the way he hoped it would. I was encouraged to call this person so we might be able to clear the air about some possible misunderstandings-- It is the consensus that I am a little bit bullied by this person, so I was encouraged to chat with them by several important people in this persons life.

(I should also mention I am not referring to his parents or sibling-- but I would like to keep the relationship on the DL I apologize in advance for all the They's, Them's, Their's-- I know that makes reading a little less fluid)

I thought about confronting this person one on one in person might be a good idea, but I was afraid I would loose my cool or get too emotional, I also wouldn't want to make it awkward for others-- So I called with Rob there as support, and now I wish he wasn't-- we consider each other an extension of the other, so the hurtful things said to me, hurt him too.

If I would have known it was going to go that way, I would have just taken on the next 30 years of passive-aggressive, impolite, poorly timed conversation this person likes to engage with me-- that not only offends me and puts me in the awkward situation of assertively addressing one of my elders, it greatly offends Rob, which makes me sad, which makes him more sad.

I was raised to respect everyone, and to show extra special respect to my elders-- which I do. Part of that respect, is dealing with ornery comments-- but when everyone around you is constantly apologizing to you on this persons behalf, there comes a point where you decide it's time to assert yourself-- So I did, and it did not go well, at all.

R has already spoken to this person defending me to no avail. This person has unfairly judged me, despite their religious background advising otherwise. They are not forgiving (even though I did nothing), they are not compassionate towards my feelings and if they were, they would have simply said:

"I'm sorry for hurting your feelings"

Instead they called me
-a Gold Digger.
-An Emotional Vampire.
-They insinuated that I am not faithful or spiritual.
-That I know nothing about being honest.

..and among many other things, this person also told me they could write a book, A BOOK, about how many families in town do not like me.

I actually wish this was true-- Then I could take the money I earned in royalties and have my attorney file litigation for slander. Any thing this person could put in a book about me re: families in town not liking me would be a flat out lie. I have no bad blood with anyone, and to my knowledge, neither does my family.

{I can think of one other person who openly doesn't "like" me and I don't think she could give you one good reason as to why, so I don't even think that is a valid dislike--She knew me for 2 months in High School-- there has to be some sort of statue of limitations on that one..}

Then they closed the conversation by telling me I should focus more on Christian values, instead of yoga.
(What? As if yoga is my religion, which is it not) It's kind of ironic to have said all those nasty things, only to tell me I could use some time going back to my Catholic Roots for help-- Claiming to be a Christian and acting like a Christian are two very different things. I might not CLAIM Christianity as my sole source of information as far as spirituality goes, but I don't think someone whose faith requires them to immolate Christlike behaviors should be treating others as poorly as this person has treated me.

In my life I have been very fortunate to have such a strong relationship with my creator-- I do not need to label it as anything other than a relationship between myself & God..

Truth is, despite the this person regurgitating every nasty thought and feeling they have towards me-- I still love this person, and will continue to do so-- even if they make it their personal mission to destroy R and I-- it is impossible--this person will answer for their actions just like the rest of us, and I think this particular situation will be one they regret.

I will also continue to be nice to this person because I am actually a genuinely nice person.

-The truth is, I have worked very hard my entire life-- Rob has been helping me since September, and supporting me 100% since this January when I ran out of savings. Like any responsible person, I had about 4 months of savings-- which I was able to stretch out from June until Jan because I was still able to get odd jobs when I lived closer to Orlando, and R was not charging me rent.

-Every single one of my friends will tell you that I have aided them in some way at some point in our friendship helping them release emotional blocks. They will tell you I help them overcome problems, that I am an emotional support system, and a wise friend and my ability to give practical, useful advice is one of their favorite things about me. I practice this same kindness towards myself-- I am not an emotional vampire.

-I don't discuss my religious beliefs because I don't think it is any one's business. What R & I believe in is between the two of us & God.

-I am nothing but honest. I am a trustworthy, reliable, strong person, and I have nothing but good intentions with every conversation I have, every person I meet, and every step I take.

These are only SOME of the reasons why R loves me as fiercely and passionately as he does-- so you can imagine why he is so pissed off that someone would say otherwise.

Even the worst of situations have a way of being mended, so hopefully that is the case here-- until then I'm asking for anyone and everyone to send this person lots of prayers, good vibes and positive loving light.

R and I wouldn't mind some sent our way too.

In the end, having anger is like holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else-- you are the one who gets burned in the end.


I appreciate you all listening, this is the only place I feel like I can vent my feelings/defend myself. I don't want to talk to my family about this because I don't want there to be irreversible ill feelings on their part should there be a reconciliation. I know my family would fight the good fight for me, and I think this person would get a lot of knocks on their door with more positive testimonies about my character than they can count.

I am not the best person in the entire world, but I am an excellent friend, daughter, sister, niece, goddaughter, granddaughter, fiance and in the future I will be an awesome wife and mother (and hopefully business owner). I am nice. I am compassionate. I am loved by many friends-- online, childhood, old and new and most importantly-- I practice what I preach.


How have you overcome adversity with friends and family when there is unnecessary conflict?

Namaste,
R

15 comments:

  1. I don't know you in person but I am positive that you are a genuine, kind human being who doesn't deserve the odd cruelty that this person is throwing your way. It is frustrating when people hide behind a religion and judge others when they don't personally live the beliefs they pretend to espouse.

    If it makes you feel better--my Rob (haha) has been in college since 2008 when he got out of the Army. His GI Bill barely covered his expenses and his half of the rent, but I paid for groceries, cable electricity, cell phones, etc. (even before we were married) because I made (and still make) more money. Now that he has a job, he'll start pitching in more because he can. Before that, when Rob was in the Army and I was in college, he paid for all the plane tickets and hotels because I simply didn't make money. I know now that if something happened and I couldn't work (or if I decide to stay home with kids) Rob would have no problem acting as the breadwinner. This is what a relationship is about--knowing you're there for each other. And clearly you're not out buying $900 purses with his money, so I really don't see any issue. I'm sure if the situation were reversed you'd support Rob without complaint.

    I know it's hard to let go of what cruel, judgmental people say, especially when they're family and it's not as easy to just let them go. I think your head is in the right place, reminding yourself that you are a good person.

    Sending you love and good vibes!

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  2. I agree with Caitlin, that you did not deserve this person's (obviously misplaced) anger. There must be something big going on with them that they cannot share, but is obviously bothering them in a big enough way to try to bring you down with them.
    I have to say, I can completely respect and understand you not going to your family with this. I have learned (the hard way) that the things you might not want remembered are usually the things that stick out in people's heads. I am having a hard time and will probably have a hard time the rest of my life dealing with things I have shared about my relationships in the past.
    Ryan, you are incredible and so is your other half, and together you guys will never be anything less than amazing.
    Love you.

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  3. Great post! It's great that you are holding your head high and not letting them break you. Obviously your confidence in yourself and your relationship is strong, because many women would start believing the abuse doubting themselves. This person is obviously very unhappy, perhaps they see themself in you and envy you. When you are a wonderful wife, mother and business woman (but hopefully sooner) they will eat their words and you will get the apology you deserve.

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  4. That person sounds like a petty weiner who is trying to stir up some drama. I don't know where you live, but it sounds like a small town drama queen to me. I used to live in a town of around 5000 people and shit like that drove me BANANAS.

    The faithful/spiritual attack is the worst, I think. First of all it's none of their business! Secondly, what did that have to do with the conversation? I'm getting all outraged over here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :)

      I guess it's a small enough town-- but I'm not worried about this person fi ding a dirt on me, there is none. I think I was mostly pissed at how flippant she was towards me.

      Delete
  5. Some people just really suck and there isn't anything you or R can do about that. But what you can do is continue being the good person you are, nurture your relationship with each other together and be happy. Maybe you close the book on that person because I don't care if you are related or not, nobody deserves to be treated that way. I have struggled with my MIL in the past and my solution is I'm just not there for family events. She doesn't want me there, I don't want to be talked down to and insulted the entire time, so it's best I just be the bigger person and not go. I'm OK with that, then Matt and I don't fight. We've now been married for almost 8 years and only NOW does my MIL think that maybe I'm in it for the long haul. So.. whatever. She lost 8 years with a pretty awesome person if I do say so myself. :)

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    Replies
    1. Luckily my inlaws are 100% on our side.

      Sorry to hear about your MIL.. Why do people have to be so wacky!?can't we all just love each other!?

      Delete
  6. Ryan,

    I like to think your blog reflects your true personality, and nothing I have ever read warrants such unjust anger from this person. I don't want to sound like I'm blindly supporting you because I'm biased, but in this instance I'm fully behind you because they have yet to come up with a reasonable argument for their beliefs about you. As you have written, you can basically refute all of their points...and quite well. So it's somewhat baffling to consider what grudge they hold against you, because no matter which way you look at the situation it does not make logical sense. My only possible conclusion? Jealousy. Generally, when a person directs such anger at someone with no just cause, there is a certain amount of jealousy or resentment involved. What are they jealous of? I don't know. But haters gonna hate. I think it's best to remember that you have R, he has you, and nothing can ever challenge that...no matter how hard someone tries. Also, the fact that you are wishing them well in the face of such bashing...it shows a lot about your character. I consider myself a good person, but I would never be quite as gracious or classy.

    ~Shane

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    Replies
    1. What it comes down to with this person s they are just still carrying around pain from the past-- which is something i can sympathize with--- but purposely hurting someone because you are hurting is just not ok. Is whole thing actually got resolved last night-- it was a game of chess, that r and I ended up winning. I'll write about it soon! Thanks for the love!

      Delete
  7. "In the end, having anger is like holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone else-- you are the one who gets burned in the end."

    That's it. You seem like a great person, but you don't need to justify it. All I could see when I was reading about this person is how they are harboring a great deal of insecurities, and it seems like the only way for them to validate themself is to bring others like yourself down. I have learned that the better you are, the harder people are going to try to bring you down. It is very easy to fall into a life of jealousy and internal rage. I feel deeply sorry for this person for not being able to rise above their own obvious problems. I'm very sorry you have to be constantly bullied, but you are doing the right thing by being nice. That is the ONLY solution. Any other negative response will trigger a domino effect of more bullying. I'm proud of you, and you should be too.

    I know it's hard to not let this person get to you, but just remember how great of a person you are. Knowing the truth about yourself is all you need. :)

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  8. I'm sorry that you're on the recieving end of someone else's misplaced anger/bitterness. Speaking as someone who has struggled with anger issues in the past, I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to treat this person respectfully and with kindness even though I'm sure it is excrutiating. Anger and bitterness, however misplaced, are very strong feelings that are difficult to let go of, so it may take a long time in your case.
    Hopefully one day he/she will see you are who you say you are. I liked your analogy of anger/hot coal, I've never heard that. I'll try to remember that one next time I get really angry.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comment.

      I know exactly where this person is coming from, as I have been in her shoes.. I realize when life is hard-- it makes you hard. I mostly just feel bad that this person has so much pain in their heart that they cant see how they are hurting themselves and the people who love them.

      Anger is toxic-- it's best to just let it go-- return to sender! :)

      Delete

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