Hysterical white wedding circus.

This morning around 3am I woke up hysterically laughing out of a dream. This hasn't happened in a long time, more frequently I wake myself of out of dreams because I am either walking around {true story} or crying.

This was hilarious though. It's too long and weird to explain, but ultimately I was on a roller coaster, and the people in charge had these digital screens where they could replicate a 3-d version of who ever was on the ride. In the end I was punked, and a digitized old man got made out with by two digitized grungy mutts.

Weird I know. Obviously, it was a lot more hilarious in my head because I laughed for about 15 mins after, waking R and causing the cats to think it was breakfast time.

The second part of my dream involved weddings, which leads me to my next topic.

I am only two days into "planning" a wedding, and I have decided.. I don't want one.


Is that bad?

Isn't there some kind of rule, that because I have a va-jayjay I should want to plan a glorious day filled with flowers, cake, friends and family, all whilst prancing around in all of my white dress glory? Shouldn't I want that? What is wrong with me?

All I care about is the ceremony. R and I, at the place where we started (Blue Springs State Park), maybe our parents and siblings by our side and some Mexican and margaritas after. {I am probably, actually serious about the Mexican thing}

Our second summer fling @ blue springs, summer '05.

These feelings don't come as much of a surprise to me because I have a lot of friends who have planned or are planning weddings, and I feel the same way about their weddings. I feel like they are planning a horse and pony show {no offense to them or anyone else-- I know I am in the minority here.}I thought I would feel differently when it came time to plan my own, but I don't.. in fact, my distaste for the event has increased.

Planning a wedding to me feels like I am doing one or all of the following:
a. Trying to impress friends and family
b. Caving to consumerism
c. Wasting a shit ton of money that would be better spent on traveling, more education, more pets, books, guitars, a business-- anything other than a horse and pony show wedding.
d. Preparing myself for the panic attack of a lifetime (SO many people!)

{Reasons a., b. and c. are the same reasons why I didn't want a blood diamond engagement ring}

What really has me confused is, I think weddings are great. I mean, who doesn't love a wedding? {You should see my pinterest, it's filled with wedding stuffs} The bride always looks beautiful, the groom beaming, the drinks free, the food mediocre-- dancing, friends, family-- weddings are a pretty good time...and I like to plan parties, so this leaves me further perplexed. My friends who have had weddings all claim it was the best day of their lives, but I still don't want it.

Doing something small is not an option; my family alone yields a head count of over 60 people. Plus about 30 of our closest friends, and then you have to account for folks who will bring the uninvited plus one (or two, or three, or five) so we're looking at 100+ people, which is just not our style, at all.

So there, I said it. I don't want a wedding. I don't want to wear a white dress, I don't want to feed 120 people dinner, I don't want to spend that much money on ONE day and I don't want to feel obligated to invite people I am indifferent about because it is the polite thing to do.

I'd love to celebrate with friends and family, but not all at once.

R is not protesting skipping out on the white dress circus; so I guess it's decided. ;)

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Anyone else in the same boat as me? Gentlemen.. you there? What do you think about weddings? Are they something you really look forward to, or just something you participate in to make your lady happy?

Also, my friend posted this on FB this morning, and I just can't stop watching it.
I want all of these oldies to be my friend. Enjoy :)

Namaste!
R

Editors note: I should also mention I realize it is slightly mean/negative to refer to weddings as a "horse and pony show," as I am sure for many people this has been a really exciting experience-- so before anyone gets offended just realize I am referring to my own personal feelings about my involvement/experiences with weddings, and not yours. :)

Lucid dreams, and weird things.

Sometimes, there just is not enough coffee.

My life in dream land is quite active, so I've been waking up feeling exhausted.

I am a pretty regular lucid dreamer, so I know this this partly my fault. 

BUT WHY would I pass up the opportunity to create a dream?

I ask people questions I would never ask them in real life. 

I hang out with friends and family that have passed, I swim in really awesome pools.

I fly around. A lot. 

Exploration of the subconscious is something I struggle with in waking life;

but in dream land, I am brave.

I'm not sure when I had my first lucid dream, but I started being able to do it frequently about 5 years ago. 

In the dream I was walking on this street in Chicago that I frequented and there was a tree in the middle of the street.. and I thought in the dream... 

Why would the City of Chicago plant a tree in the middle of the street?

Then it occurred to me, they didn't and you're dreaming!

I tried to convince the person next to me that we were dreaming and we should fly around the city, but they thought I was nuts, so I levitated my dream self into the sky and explored Chicago from the clouds solo. 

The first several lucid dreams I had all involved me wanting to fly somewhere.

Now I like to swim everywhere in my dreams. 

I have also become a quiet observer in dreams. 

Perched somewhere in the room, listening to the conversations.

The other night I had a dream where my uncle and R's grandfather (both passed) were sitting amongst us.

It was Thanksgiving, and I was explaining a frustration I had with a family member to the group.

And then I noticed my Uncle Chris sitting next to my mother with his arm around her shoulder. 

We made eye contact.

Chris addressed me and told me to give my mother a message. 

When I called my mother that morning to give her the message, she silenced herself,

got choked up and said:

Chris was in my dream last night too; all I wanted to do was get a damn picture of us together.

I was so busy trying to get the picture, that I didn't get to even enjoy him or talk to him. I was so mad that the stupid camera wouldn't work. 

Chris is my mothers youngest brother, he died in a car accident on his way to the airport to visit us in the states just days before Christmas. He was with his new fiance, bringing her home to meet the family. 

I was in 4th grade, which made me about nine years old.

My sister and Father. My little pony, Chris and I. Circa 1990.

Chris comes to me a lot in my dreams. I know a lot of people won't believe this, but he came to me the night he passed too. My mother rushed me back to bed telling me I had a nightmare, then the phone rang with the news. 

I asked him the other night in my dream why he always comes to me. 

He was my sisters godfather, so I always felt like he belonged to her; but I always get advice from him and messages for other family members. I have a dragonfly tattooed on my rib cage in his honor, because I promise you, every hard situation I have experienced in my life there has been some sign, that he was there to remind me of the strength I didn't think I had.

He answered me with;  

It's because you are always open and it never phases you to see someone from the past, while everyone else is very distracted by it. You listen..

This was confirmed when my mother told me how frantic she had become upon seeing him in her dream.

_______________________________________

Last night R left me a note on my car. I woke up before I could retrieve it. I was so close, I could see the letter pressed against the glass of my wind shield. The envelope was an off white color, with my name scribed across the front. Earlier in the dream I saw him put the note there, but I was trying to get somewhere on time. I knew I would return to my car but I just didn't have enough of the night left. Stupid alarm clocks. 

I want to know what that letter from my love said.

~

My grandfather returns from Spain in a few weeks, so I want to make sure the place is in tip-top shape. I'm hoping for a cooler than usual day here in Florida since a lot of my work today will be outdoors. 

Until next time my friends, 

xo, r