I know I already confessed to being a lazy human a few days ago-- but I should reiterate that this summer hasn't been my most active-- it seems like each summer gets hotter and hotter, and I become less inclined to spend my time outdoors.
I remember when I first moved home from Chicago-- that summer you couldn't get me out of the sun. This past spring, when we moved to our current home, we had dreams of spending the summer on the water-- kayaking the inter-coastal every chance we got-- but then the heat came, the mosquitoes & no-seems kept bit'n and I kept getting more interesting missions in skyrim.. so the great out doors and physical fitness didn't have a chance.
My only saving grace this summer was that I didn't gain any weight back. Score. (A small victory) In fact, this summer, not too long ago actually, I discovered that I am a size 6 again, and today I could even BUTTON up the 4's. (A part of me is a little freaked that my wedding dress will need some alterations)
Ladies, I am living proof that 150 lbs does not equal being fat. We all have different body types-- worry about the fitness level not the number.
ANYWAY- the point of this post is not that I have been lazy, or that I dropped 4 dress sizes, the point is, I went to a yoga class today-- no not p90x-- for the first time in over 2 years.
I know, I know.. Your probably thinking.. How does someone who is an "aspiring yogi" not actually go to a yoga class... WELL, my friends, I've been broke and yoga costs money, and I am too proud to ask for a donation class, MMK? ;)
Anywhooo-- I had some anxiety about going to the class today-- all these what if's.
What if my down dog is jacked?
What if I am too gassy?
What if P90x guy has steered me in the wrong direction and my yoga is totally off!?
What if the class is crowded and someone is angry we are there because there is no room for them?
There were about 70 other what if's trying to convince me not to go to this class, but am so glad THIS weekend, my ego lost the battle. I've woken up every Sunday this summer with the intention to take this class, and today was the day.
At one point I was on the mat, almost in tears as the instructor said something about how living in fear is an act of violence against oneself-- that is how I interpreted it anyway-- I needed to hear that.
I had been feeling insecure about the conversation that occurred on Friday, between myself and the racist guy. On one level I was so proud of myself for standing up for what I believed to be right.. and on the other hand, I was ashamed. I was so afraid the folks in the room would interpret my behavior as belligerence-- I had these feelings even after Rob told me over and over again on Saturday that he was so proud I was his girl because I am so bold, consistent in my beliefs and never afraid to stand up for what is right.
Isn't it funny? Your ego can be so powerful that it overrides even the most amazing complements.
I live for being bold. I live for standing up for good. I live for being the change I wish to see in the world. Yet, I found a way to not accept myself as I am.
In class today I realized once again that I am my own worst enemy--and the funny thing about being my own worst enemy is that, I practice the kind of philosophy that prohibits one from having enemies. Everyone is a brother or sister, one love, one heart, one soul, one universe, and yet, I find myself excluding myself from being worthy of that divine, all encompassing love.
It's so silly.
This Sunday I am so grateful for my new job, as I am able to jump into the practice that has been and will continue to change my life.