No goals and the recovering control freak.

Despite a few hiccups in the workout schedule (whats new?), so far 2012 has been quite productive.

{I need to make working out/yoga one of the first things I do for the day, not the last}

I was re-inspired to keep on with the no goal thing last night when this guest post on Zen Habits popped up in my reader.

I have been doing some new years cleaning; I go through every box, cabinet, drawer to clean, purge and organize. I even got on my hands and knees to scrub all of the tile floors.

I noticed a box that was filled with notebooks and journals from the past 4 years, and I couldn't even count all of the goals written on those pages. List, after list, of goals.

Of course most of those goals either don't matter anymore, happened by chance or not at all. I cringed at the thought of how many hours were spent distracting myself with making those lists. Lists of how I was going to be, or who I thought I should become. Lists detailing how I should spend every minute of my day. Lists telling me how to stay on track, lists telling me where to spend my money, lists on beauty regimes, lists about work out schedules.

The one thing all the lists had in common was that they simply have no meaning anymore. 

As I am sitting in my closet, with these notebooks that are filled with unfulfilled goals and self deprecating rants; all I see is wasted time and desperation for control.

It's a major relief actually. In retrospect I realize that those lists were written by someone who was really afraid of what they wanted, shackled by their past and by a totally-in-denial-complete-and-utter-control freak.

I think I have admitted to being a control freak three times in my life. This is big.


Control is my kryptonite. This became abundantly clear as I read through the piles of journals. I realized that the no goal thing works because it forces me to give up a certain level of control. It allows my productivity to come from a more inspired place.

Inspiration is what makes anything worth doing.

(btw, Is there a rehab for control freaks?)

Finding my old journals also reminded me why I write here; It really brings a sense of accomplishment to know I have changed evolved as much as I have. Even though I can be a control freak, I really embrace change... Moving passionately through my day has made me a better partner, artist, thinker and I've even flirted with a few new hobbies, AND I've been playing music again.

I mean seriously, WHO AM I? I haven't gotten so much stuff done.. like ever.

Moving on to the next part of my day now.

Have a fun weekend!

Namaste.
r