Plus, after a few days, I really miss writing.
Writing has always been a cathartic experience for me--- even as a young'n.
A lot has been going on with me lately, and while I feel like I give an honest portrayal of who I am in real life on this blog, there is a lot I leave out. Mainly because there are a lot of things about myself that I am still exploring, and exploration has always been a private journey for me.
Until now, that is.
Moving to LA has really opened me up to what I am suppose to be doing with my life-- it's simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying.
If you know me in real life, and some of you do.. You will know that there is something a little different about me. I know things. I feel things, and I sense things on a different level than what would be considered "average" or dare I say it, "normal." If you know me in real life it wouldn't be out of character for me to tell you a "B" energy is with you," only to find out that your grandfather Bill recently passed-- or I know you are pregnant before you do.
Sometimes I am wrong. But I am generally pretty in-tune with what is not always seen. This is not something that makes me special, because everyone has it in them, it is just something that has been more "natural" for me.
In the past this is something I have kept very private and reserved the energy for those who are closest to me. The reason for this is because I've had a lot of healing to do, and have really needed to focus on myself. Because of this, I have really separated myself from a lot of people I love.
I know they are hurting, and therefore I hurt too.
As an intuituve-empath-- something I am willing to own publically now-- I know my work here is important, and more importantly.. I know that I am important enough to focus on my purpose and heal myself, and others.
SO my friends, that is what I have been doing-- Healing. On Monday and Thursday I went for my first acupuncture treatments-- the effects for me have been amazing. Working on your energy, especially as an energy sensitive person, is mind blowing.
This week, most of my healing has come from forgiveness. Not just any kind of forgiveness-- not the kind of politically correct forgiveness that we all state we have achieved, when in reality, we still harbor feelings of distrust (you know, forgiven but not forgotten).
It's the kind of forgiveness that comes from the root chakra-- awakening the innocence of your inner child. Accessing that untainted inner-wisdom that becomes clouded as we age, increasingly busying our minds with "reality."
It's the kind of forgiveness that lifts a heavy load and forgives all ways: you forgive others, and yourself.
An amnesty for the heart & soul.
I accidentally stumbled upon this forgiveness awakening by meditating on my root chakra while on the acupuncture table. Imagining a red ball, clearing the clouds, increasing the vibrancy-- breathing, breathing, breathing.
I came to an ocean, a dark ocean that I would never go into, and I kept seeing my father. I know why my father would appear, there is a lot of pain there, but what does it mean? What does he represent?
As the week has progressed, I kept this vision in my head, asking the question: What does it mean?
Last night, I got to hang out with a girl who is like a sister to me. My parents adopted her when I was in high school-- Her father had died, mother unstable-- she was bouncing around a lot, sometimes having her social security taken advantage of, and this being a childhood friend to my sister Taylor, my parents stepped in, got custody, and took care of her.
There has always been an understanding between her and I that we love each other, but I have not always been kind to her. I would have been there for her if she asked, but I never tried to step up, and mentor her like I do with my other younger sisters. Her and I are very similar, yet quite different.
Last night, I apologized to her for not being there for her-- she should not feel like she needs to walk through this world alone. We talked a lot about forgiveness last night. Doing what is right regardless of the participation of others.
Then the answer to my question: Deep forgiveness is the first step in healing. Which is why it comes from the root chakra, it is the foundation of love for oneself, others and humanity.
As I am sorting through this new space, where real forgiveness is the key, it almost makes me sad. I know so many people who would benefit so greatly from the gift of forgiveness-- But forgiveness is misunderstood by many, it is not something that comes after an apology-- Forgiveness is something that you become.
You either forgive with amnesia, or you have not really forgiven.
I was talking to my love about this-- there is a certain person in our life who has brought a lot of pain to our hearts-- and while we have claimed to "forgive" her, I think we both had our egos in the way, and weren't really forgiving her. .
We "forgive her" but she can't come to the wedding.. We forgive her, but unless she does XYZ, we won't attempt a relationship with her. That's not really forgiveness.
Someone who is in so much pain that they would purposely, and intentionally, say mean and hateful things to another human, deserves real forgiveness, deep kindness & true compassion. Even it is never (ever) reciprocated. Those who lash out in negative ways are are the ones who need love the most, even if our ego says they are undeserving. They are the test..
Do we really love and forgive, or do we love and forgive with our ego?
The ego has stipulations, the soul just is.
As Rob would say: "They best way to slay those who trespass on you, is with genuine kindness."
(I love him)
So as I bring this post full circle, I encourage anyone who is reading this to contemplate how they forgive. Do you require an action (apology, gift, etc) prior to forgiveness?
How much is your unwillingness to forgive ego driven? Is it because you can't trust that person anymore, or think they have a bad heart?
Can you truly forgive and forget?
If forgiveness is something you are dealing with-- either within yourself or others I encourage you to meditate on your root chakra. Don't let the word meditation bug you out, there is no right or wrong way to do it.
1. Find a quite place, and comfortable position to sit in. (You can lay down, but I usually sit up so I don't fall asleep)
2. Close your eyes, and focus on your breath. breath deep in and slow breath out. Calm your mind. If you slip into thought, go back to your breath. You will do this A LOT at first, but after you learn how to increase the connection between the front and back of your brain, it becomes easier to stay in meditation.
3. Your root Chakra is in your groin area and is represented by the color red. After several deep breaths (relaxed shoulders) Imagine a red mass-- some people see a crystal, some people see a ball of light, you might see an apple..
I usually see a ball of dull light-- and I work on making it bright until is glows by breathing in cleansing light energy, and breathing out the dark negative energy. Being mindful of each breath, and where the tension is releasing from. Sometimes you will be taken to dream like places, in my case I was in front of that ocean, and my father. Observe the surroundings, and return to your breath and the red light (or whatever chakra color you are working on)
Your root chakra is also responsible for keeping you grounded and present, it is responsible for your sense of security, and your relationship with Gaia (mother earth).
4. Slowly come out of the meditation by keeping your attention on the breath, coming back into the physical surroundings.
You can repeat this meditation for the other chakras all in one meditation, moving your way up from your root chakra to your crown chakra (each will represent a different color, and system) knowing what each chakra MEANS isn't necessarily as important as learning how to clear the chakras of negative build up-- bringing forth the light, and clearing the clouds.
You can remember the colors with this acronym: ROY G BIV. (This might be a familiar to for you artist folks.)
Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet.
(Root, Sacral, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, Third-eye, Crown.)
As you cleanse your chakras, either through meditation, or yoga, or whatever else.. you will become more aware of the subtle changes each chakra controls.
Here is a good explanation of the different chakras, and at the bottom of the page she talks about meditation, breathing and colors.
So, dear readers.. As I move into this new chapter of This Must be the Place, I look forward to sharing a lot more of myself, and I hope to encourage each of you to dig deep in our own life.
As always, Namaste!