Acupuncture, chakras & a tale of forgiveness.

My breaks are never too long, what can I say? I just can't seem to stay away.

Plus, after a few days, I really miss writing.

Writing has always been a cathartic experience for me--- even as a young'n.

A lot has been going on with me lately, and while I feel like I give an honest portrayal of who I am in real life on this blog, there is a lot I leave out. Mainly because there are a lot of things about myself that I am still exploring, and exploration has always been a private journey for me.

Until now, that is.

Moving to LA has really opened me up to what I am suppose to be doing with my life-- it's simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying.

If you know me in real life, and some of you do.. You will  know that there is something a little different about me. I know things. I feel things, and I sense things on a different level than what would be considered "average" or dare I say it, "normal." If you know me in real life it wouldn't be out of character for me to tell you a "B" energy is with you," only to find out that your grandfather Bill recently passed-- or I know you are pregnant before you do.

Sometimes I am wrong. But I am generally pretty in-tune with what is not always seen. This is not something that makes me special, because everyone has it in them, it is just something that has been more "natural" for me.

In the past this is something I have kept very private and reserved the energy for those who are closest to me. The reason for this is because I've had a lot of healing to do, and have really needed to focus on myself. Because of this, I have really separated myself from a lot of people I love.

I know they are hurting, and therefore I hurt too.

As an intuituve-empath-- something I am willing to own publically now--  I know my work here is important, and more importantly.. I know that I am important enough to focus on my purpose and heal myself, and others.

SO my friends, that is what I have been doing-- Healing. On Monday and Thursday I went for my first acupuncture treatments-- the effects for me have been amazing. Working on your energy, especially as an energy sensitive person, is mind blowing.

This week, most of my healing has come from forgiveness. Not just any kind of forgiveness-- not the kind of politically correct forgiveness that we all state we have achieved, when in reality, we still harbor feelings of distrust (you know, forgiven but not forgotten).

It's the kind of forgiveness that comes from the root chakra-- awakening the innocence of your inner child. Accessing that untainted inner-wisdom that becomes clouded as we age, increasingly busying our minds with "reality."

It's the kind of forgiveness that lifts a heavy load and forgives all ways: you forgive others, and yourself.

An amnesty for the heart & soul.

I accidentally stumbled upon this forgiveness awakening by meditating on  my root chakra while on the acupuncture table. Imagining a red ball, clearing the clouds, increasing the vibrancy-- breathing, breathing, breathing.

I came to an ocean, a dark ocean that I would never go into, and I kept seeing my father. I know why my father would appear, there is a lot of pain there, but what does it mean? What does he represent?

As the week has progressed, I kept this vision in my head, asking the question: What does it mean?

Last night, I got to hang out with a girl who is like a sister to me. My parents adopted her when I was in high school-- Her father had died, mother unstable-- she was bouncing around a lot, sometimes having her social security taken advantage of, and this being a childhood friend to my sister Taylor, my parents stepped in, got custody, and took care of her.

There has always been an understanding between her and I that we love each other, but I have not always been kind to her. I would have been there for her if she asked, but I never tried to step up, and mentor her like I do with my other younger sisters. Her and I are very similar, yet quite different.

Last night, I apologized to her for not being there for her-- she should not feel like she needs to walk through this world alone. We talked a lot about forgiveness last night. Doing what is right regardless of the participation of others.

Then the answer to my question: Deep forgiveness is the first step in healing. Which is why it comes from the root chakra, it is the foundation of love for oneself, others and humanity.

As I am sorting through this new space, where real forgiveness is the key, it almost makes me sad. I know so many people who would benefit so greatly from the gift of forgiveness-- But forgiveness is misunderstood by many, it is not something that comes after an apology-- Forgiveness is something that you become. 

You either forgive with amnesia, or you have not really forgiven.

I was talking to my love about this-- there is a certain person in our life who has brought a lot of pain to our hearts-- and while we have claimed to "forgive" her, I think we both had our egos in the way, and weren't really forgiving her. .

We "forgive her" but she can't come to the wedding.. We forgive her, but unless she does XYZ, we won't attempt a relationship with her. That's not really forgiveness.

Someone who is in so much pain that they would purposely, and intentionally, say mean and hateful things to another human, deserves real forgiveness, deep kindness & true compassion. Even it is never (ever) reciprocated. Those who lash out in negative ways are are the ones who need love the most, even if our ego says they are undeserving. They are the test..

Do we really love and forgive, or do we love and forgive with our ego?

The ego has stipulations, the soul just is.

As Rob would say: "They best way to slay those who trespass on you, is with genuine kindness."

(I love him)

So as I bring this post full circle, I encourage anyone who is reading this to contemplate how they forgive. Do you require an action (apology, gift, etc)  prior to forgiveness?

How much is your unwillingness to forgive ego driven? Is it because you can't trust that person anymore, or think they have a bad heart?

Can you truly forgive and forget?

If forgiveness is something you are dealing with-- either within yourself or others I encourage you to meditate on your root chakra. Don't let the word meditation bug you out, there is no right or wrong way to do it.

1. Find a quite place, and comfortable position to sit in. (You can lay down, but I usually sit up so I don't fall asleep)

2. Close your eyes, and focus on your breath. breath deep in and slow breath out. Calm your mind. If you slip into thought, go back to your breath. You will do this A LOT at first, but after you learn how to increase the connection between the front and back of your brain, it becomes easier to stay in meditation. 

 3. Your root Chakra is in your groin area and is represented by the color red. After several deep breaths (relaxed shoulders) Imagine a red mass-- some people see a crystal, some people see a ball of light, you might see an apple.. 

I usually see a ball of dull light-- and I work on making it bright until is glows by breathing in cleansing light energy, and breathing out the dark negative energy. Being mindful of each breath, and where the tension is releasing from. Sometimes you will be taken to dream like places, in my case I was in front of that ocean, and my father. Observe the surroundings, and return to your breath and the red light (or whatever chakra color you are working on)

Your root chakra is also responsible for keeping you grounded and present, it is responsible for your sense of security, and your relationship with Gaia (mother earth). 

4. Slowly come out of the meditation by keeping your attention on the breath, coming back into the physical surroundings. 

You can repeat this meditation for the other chakras all in one meditation, moving your way up from your root chakra to your crown chakra (each will represent a different color, and system) knowing what each chakra MEANS isn't necessarily as important as learning how to clear the chakras of negative build up-- bringing forth the light, and clearing the clouds.

You can remember the colors with this acronym: ROY G BIV. (This might be a familiar to for you artist folks.) 

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. 

(Root, Sacral, Solar Plexus, Heart, Throat, Third-eye, Crown.) 

As you cleanse your chakras, either through meditation, or yoga, or whatever else.. you will become more aware of the subtle changes each chakra controls.

Here is a good explanation of the different chakras, and at the bottom of the page she talks about meditation, breathing and colors.


So, dear readers.. As I move into this new chapter of This Must be the Place, I look forward to sharing a lot more of myself, and I hope to encourage each of you to dig deep in our own life.

As always, Namaste!

R

What kindness has taught me.

I wrote a post yesterday wherein I blathered on about tattoos, regrets, a little this and little that, but what got me writing was the sadness I was feeling because people can be so unkind to each other. Yesterdays sadness was directed towards not only those who made flippant accusations about the writer, but towards the "infamous" writer herself... The whole situation is just sad to me.

Yesterday, for the first time as a blogger someone was less than kind to me, telling me my "Harley sized tattoos" are not "classy," a claim I never made-- and one of the main reasons I "cover up" when getting dressed up, or doing something "important," they would have known that had they actually read what I wrote, instead of just passing judgement on me and trying to anonymously hurt my feelings.

For the record, it didn't hurt my feelings, in fact, I just feel sorry for that person. They must have a lot of pain in their heart to be spreading hateful, off kilter comments on another persons blog anonymously.. but now I have another person to send some kind thoughts to this morning, and for that I am thankful.

I love to spread the love.

I digress.

People can just be down right mean to one another, and you know what, I understand.

I have done some down right rotten things.

I've backed out of two weddings where I was suppose to be Maid of Honor, I was HORRIBLE to my sister when she got pregnant.. and horrible is an understatement, and I have said some horrendous things out of anger to and about my mother, just to name a few. I am not proud of these things, but at the end of the day we can only learn from our experiences, forgive ourselves (and others) and move on.

This past year I have learned that coming from a place of kindness and compassion is a rather lucrative avenue to take, and I have tried to consciously make that a part of my daily life. Some days are better than others, but I'd say lately, most days have been successful, which means I am becoming more conscious, which is a wonderful thing.

I am not going to lie, finding that peaceful place within myself has been and continues to be a difficult task, it is also a rewarding one. In my 25 years, I have harvested so much anger and sadness-- It is quite the task mopping up pools of resentment, jealousy & anger-- they all have deep trenches that seem impossible to access most days-- but, light is most useful when you have a dark place to put it in, so I am up for the challenge.

The point I was trying to make yesterday, was that it shouldn't matter if someone is covered in tattoos, or body piercings, or if they have a turbulent past, or if they post ignorant opinion pieces on a college web-zine or even if they say or think something unthinkably horrible.. we should always be wishing kind things for others, and I have found that when it is the most difficult to give someone the gift of kindness & compassion, is when it is the most rewarding for all parties..

One of my favorite quotes:

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I define anger in its broadest form: jealously, resentment, sadness, judgement, etc... in the end we are just hurting ourselves by not practicing kindness. Kindness has to start on the inside.

You can not be kind to others if you are not kind to yourself.

 "Love others as you love yourself" right?

I'm starting to believe kindness and forgiveness to oneself is the ultimate act of kindness. The way you treat yourself is a reflection of how you treat others,I truly believe that.
 
When someone is unkind, I automatically recognize that they are hurting. Having this realization on a personal level has made it so much easier for me to be compassionate through adversity. Becoming aware of all the hurt people are feeling, makes me want to be even kinder, to myself and others.

{I've been practicing something called Metta Bhavana (Loving Kindness) meditation if you are interested}

I have realized that a lack of kindness comes from a place of hurt within oneself, because I have done it myself. Even though, my participation in unkind acts is happening less often, when I am unkind  to another person, or myself.. (after all, I am only human) it is because I am not dealing with or recognizing whatever the internal issue is.



I use to think I was so aware, on many counts I was just more aware than those I associated with, but I am starting to realize, I was just too afraid to continue doing the work because I knew I still had a long way to go, I am certainly not alone in this, because I think we all can be a little more patient, a little more kind and a little more encouraging to one another.

I am challenging myself, and therefore others, to consciously remember that we are all in this together, none of us make it out alive(on this planet at least), and we each single handily hold the power to not only practice kindness on ourselves and others, we have the capacity to inspire kind thoughts within others.

Namaste,
r

On painting, and randon acts of kindness.

This week has been crazy for me. 

In addition to having some long days and late nights, I had a few random mishaps and acts of kindness happen. 

Yesterday, when I was about half a mile from my destination, I got a friggin speeding ticket. I was going 18 over. 

FUUUUUUUUU....... But the cop was nice enough to overlook that, and give me a ticket for going 10 over instead. That saved me about $100. PHEW.

In spite of the major inconvenience on my pocketbook (and driving record), I remained optimistic heading into my day of painting. To my surprise, my little brother dropped in on me unannounced, and not only provided another day of great conversation, but he had some great input for the mural. 

He is untrained in the arts, so his natural ability to come up with design solutions made me so proud and happy. 

(That creative gene runs in the family, one day I'll show off the family jems.)

I got home last night and the Internet was out. No biggie, I was exhausted and past out on the couch. 

This morning, still no internet. 

The internet holds a world of education for me; Rotoscoping tutorials GALORE! 

So I was pretty stressed out about not being able to utilize my day as planned. I obsessively called the provider until the they agreed to send someone over. 

They sent over a nice guy named Scott--Of course, by the time he showed up, I was knee deep in tears. 

The long distance relationship and the possibility of missing a Skype date with R, was really getting to me.

I explained my frustration to Scott in between apologies for answering the door so upset. 

Part of my frustration was not having gas in my car to drive to starbucks for internet-- I drove to Orlando A LOT this week, so my starving artist budget is a little slim until payday.

As he walked out the door, he handed me a Ten and said: "Hey, some gas on me"

I insisted he keep his money, but he insisted I take it. Since I am a lady, I went ahead and graciously took the money and told him I'd pay it forward and thanked him for his generosity.

The key to receiving random acts of kindness is paying them forward. 

When I lived in Chicago, I had a lot of bad days. I dating a guy that didn't like me that much, a job I didn't like and the lack of vitamin D made me rather weepy. 

One day I was taking a smoke break (I quit okay!), and I was balling my eyes out between puffs because a customer had just berated me in front of the entire mall. 

A homeless man named William came up to me and said: 

"I don't have much to give you, but I can offer you a hug and another cigarette"

I took him up on his offer, and we were friends the remainder of my time in Chicago. 

Fun Story: My final weeks in Chicago, I spent a lot of time trying to find William so I could say good bye and thank you for being a good friend-- My work location changed so I didn't see him as often. I looked for him every day for 7 weeks with no luck. 

My last day in Chicago, I decided to take a different route home from work, and there he was, standing at the corner of State and Madison. We embraced each other for a solid 10 minutes. I was dressed to the T, and he was wearing the same jacket he wore every day-- it would have been a beautiful picture. To this day, that moment is one of my top 10 of all time.

I always think about William when I have a bad day, and I catch myself wishing for that moment in time again; His act of kindness was so simple, yet so perfect. A hug, a cigarette and a beautiful memory. 

I'll keep that forever.

So today when Scott wanted to help a sister out with some gas, I was moved to tears and grateful. 

His company will be getting a call tomorrow with many compliments.

I make a point to always talk to someone who looks like they are having a bad day, pay tolls for the person behind me (when I can), smile back at strangers, thank the clerks at walmart, and tip a little extra for great service- I don't have a lot to give, but I try to give what I can, when I can. 

_______________________________________________

The mural I have been working on this week looks great. I am waiting for the client to give me the thumbs up, and then I will reveal the final product. 

I hope everyone had a great and positive week.

xo, r